Nardis Prose

He was a prisoner of his own desire, for his wanting had no end.

This is actually a story about freedom. It’s of a man who comes to realize that the object of his desire is actually to be free from desire altogether. For as long as he could remember, he wanted more. Some may consider this man ungrateful. He grew up with solid parents, albeit they had their problems like all other adults do. Through his adolescence, he felt other kids had more than he did. He would often find himself daydreaming of a life that wasn’t his own, with people who were not his family or friends. 

When you live in a prison all your life, you don’t realize where you are. What’s the thing that people say… “a fish out of water?” The man felt like a fish out of water when he came to discern that he had been a prisoner of his own mind all his life, and that true freedom is achieved when one realizes the object of his own desire is in exactly what he already has; his health, his wealth*, and his family. 

The moment he discovered this was like the first time he had ever breathed real air. As his mind drifted into a meditative trance, he saw himself as the fish who jumped out of the stream to capture a bug. For that small blip in time, he, the fish, had lungs and gasped like a baby taking his first breath. This felt dangerously unfamiliar to him. As he reached the peak of his jump and began his descent to the surface of the stream, he knew that going back into the water would cause him to drown. He would gladly give up his lungs for gills if it meant he could just get back into the water where he felt safe. 

Just like the fish, he tried to go back into his prison. He didn’t drown at first, yet he knew he was imprisoned again. In a microsecond, he was held captive by comparison, wanting this or that, or anything he saw as greater. Anything he didn’t already have became the object of his desire again, and therefore his actions were a reflection of it. Despite this brief period of transcendence, he thought to himself, “is this the only way to live?” What reason could one possibly have to live if not but to want more? “Is this what life is actually all about,” he persevered? Why, then, did he experience this brief realization that what he already had was perfect, and that while steady growth should remain his focus, expressing gratitude for everything he possessed would be the true key to his happiness? Why was this moment in time so very brief, and why did he give his lungs back when he dove head first into the water? 

He continued to contemplate this, staring directly at the surface in front of him, hoping to find the answers in the seams. Still, his mind had multiple pathways, like lanes on a highway going in infinite directions. He craved bigger, better, faster, richer, and knew that feeling of chasing after “better” would feed his reason for existence. Yet in that solitary glimpse in time, everything seemed to make sense. Nothing of his earthly possessions would ever make him happy, no matter how hard he pursued them. Within the chaos of his mind contained a tiny haven, within which existed only one small thought. 

Enough.

He had enough. The endless highway contained seemingly endless thoughts; from doubt, to preservation, to satisfaction, to esteem, and so on. Yet, it was a haven as  small as a single brain cell that he stayed in. This place repeated the same thought again and again, like a buzzing neon bar-sign. Enough. He had enough. He was in control of his life and his happiness. Nothing earthly could make him happy. Happiness was his choice. 

In that one small space, he found peace. He found solace. As his mind continued to race in the other directions of desire, the part of his mind that mattered most remained focused on what he ought to be grateful for. At that moment, he knew what he had to do. 

Time to re-write the plan.